


not alone anymore

by delightwrites



Category: Taiyou no Ko Esteban | Les Mystérieuses Cités d'or | The Mysterious Cities of Gold
Genre: Developing Friendships, Families of Choice, Fluff and Angst, Gen, I Just Have a Lot of Feels, Set in Season 1, Tao needs a hug, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28427454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delightwrites/pseuds/delightwrites
Summary: "Then Zia, her laughter ringing softly like bells, steps to him and takes his hands and she turns and spins and the next thing Tao knows is that he's dancing with her, clinging to the warmth of her hands as if he's holding on for his dear life."-this new life with esteban and zia is... different. it's like living with a family again. it's holding hands and dancing and embracing. and tao needs a little time to adjust.
Relationships: Esteban & Tao & Zia (Taiyou no Ko Esteban)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	not alone anymore

**Author's Note:**

> all i'm saying is that going from Living Entirely On Your Own to Being Around Others 24/7 has gotta be hell of a transition but i'm still so happy this kid found himself a family

The thing is, Tao has only memories of his father. Of his mother, even less. They've been gone for long but Tao carries on their legacy and nothing else matters besides that.

Nothing else should matter.

But there's Zia and Esteban and they are his friends and they are searching for their fathers and Tao can't help but feel something, deep in his throat, something that isn't jealousy, but isn't exactly unlike it either.

Because his friends might find their parents again and Tao wants them to, he hopes they will, he hopes.

But he won't.

Because his parents died. His mother, then his father. And they are gone fore sure. He knows. He was there and he watched it. And he buried them.

They've been gone for long and it doesn't hurt anymore.

(That's what he tells himself. That's what he tells Kokapetl, the only one he's willing to even talk about these things with.)

And it's kind of true. The aching of his bones, the burning of his skin, all kind of faded long ago.

And then, then one day Esteban hugs him.

They are standing on the board of the Solaris and Tao is checking the horizon, when Esteban - happy and over-enthusiastic and unable to contain his joy because he just saw something that caught his eye, like a rainbow or a funny-looking fish - suddenly leaps at him and wraps both arms around Tao.

"Esteban!" Tao cries out and his voice slips higher and it almost sounds like he's afraid. Which he isn't, but he still freezes at the sudden contact.

Esteban jumps back, letting go of him and Tao lets out a shaky breath he didn't even notice he was holding.

"Are you alright?" asks Esteban worriedly.

"Of course! I just need to check our position, so leave me alone!" Tao even furrows his eyebrows for the full effect and only when Esteban sulks off to find Zia, does he allow himself to slip down on the floor.

It's as if he still feels Esteban's arms around him, the warmth of the other boy. A part of Tao wishes he hadn't actually let go or that he himself had returned the hug somehow but Esteban's gone, and so is the moment

Tao squeezes his own arms around himself and hopes the burning of his skin, the aching of his bones, the absence of his family fades again soon.

The next time it happens, it's Zia. See, Esteban figured something was off and he became careful after the last incident, but Zia, sweet Zia, she doesn't know.

They manage to escape Pizarro's men and when Zia sees the two boys, she runs and collides with Esteban in a hug, and they spin around like they are dancing. Tao laughs, because they survived, they got away, they are here.

Then Zia, her laughter ringing softly like bells, steps to him and takes his hands and she turns and spins and the next thing Tao knows is that he's dancing with her, clinging to the warmth of her hands as if he's holding on for his dear life.

A faded memory, very old, very faint, his mother and father dancing around a fire and him wanting to join even though he can barely walk yet.

Tao stops as if struck by lightning, yanking his hands away from Zia. The girl's eyes widen and there's hurt in them and Esteban narrows his eyes angrily, protectively, but Tao can't, he can't explain to them that he loved dancing with Zia but...

But there's always a but.

But his skin is on fire because her hands are too warm and this is too much and maybe he's been on his own for too long.

Tao can't explain it, so he shrugs and forces a smile because they survived, they got away, they are here and this is a cause for celebration.

They should be happy. Nothing else should matter.

Esteban is scared of heights. Which is kind of baffling to Tao, if he's really honest. (His home was always the highest tree of the island, he knew how to climb before he knew how to walk.) But he doesn't need to understand it to see that Esteban is scared.

And that, he can understand. He's scared too, sometimes.

The journey to Zia's village is long and the three of them cross more land under the course of a day than Tao has ever seen in his life. Everywhere he looks, there are endless mountain ranges in the distance, looming over them like they might collapse onto the plains and Tao kind of misses his island and the vast openness of the sea and the sky. But only kind of, because everything here is new and exciting and Tao actually likes the mountains, the villages, the temples and the people, and he likes Zia and Esteban too.

Zia's leading the way, crossing a bridge stretched out high over a ravine. Her steps speed up and she almost runs, knowing that her home and her family is so close after so many years. Tao understands her excitement, but there's a heaviness in his heart. After all, if Zia returns home, to her family, she will definitely want to stay with them too. Tao doesn't blame her, really. He would do the same, if he had the chance.

And Esteban, well, he would want to stay with Zia, right? But Tao can't.

He can't stay, he has a quest, a mission, to find the cities of gold. To carry his parents' legacy. His people's legacy.

Alone.

Which is fine. He's been alone before.

They follow Zia across the bridge, Tao swallowed by his thoughts, Esteban by his fears.

"Esteban! Tao! Come on, it's not far!" Zia's excited voice rings from the distance, far ahead of them, carried by the wind.

Tao stops and looks back to check on Esteban and he's not at all surprised to see his friend standing frozen in the middle of the bridge, eyes squeezed and fingers clinging to the railing.

"We're never gonna catch up with her if you don't move, you know," Tao tells Esteban, his tone only a little bit teasing.

"I c-can't..."

Esteban's voice is so small that Tao's heart sinks and he realizes he might not even want to tease him right now.

"Come on! Or maybe you want to tell Zia that you don't want to see her village?"

That does the trick.

Esteban shakes his head and slowly, slowly takes a step ahead. He lets go of the railing with one hand but no matter how much he tries to find it again, he can't, not with his eyes still squeezed shut.

Tao hesitates.

A breath, and another.

And he reaches for Esteban's hand.

His friend's fingers interlock with his immediately. Esteban's hand is warm and sweaty but something about it feels familiar in Tao's hand.

"Esteban! Tao!" Zia calls their names and when Tao turns around, he sees her standing on the other side of the bridge. She must have come back to see if they were coming.

"Zia..." mumbles Esteban and manages to open his eyes.

"See, the other side's not even that far away," says Tao encouragingly as he takes the first step, leading his friend.

"You can do it Esteban!" Zia adds with a smile. Esteban squeezes Tao's hand and he squeezes back silently. He's clinging to Esteban, just as much as his friend clings to him but he kind of hopes no one will notice that.

Together they make their way across the bridge, every step feeling like a lifetime and the only thing Tao can concentrate on is Esteban's hand in his and Zia's voice from the other side. That's enough to get them both through.

It's not enough to make Tao forget the burn under his skin and when they are through and Esteban lets go of his hand, he immediately tucks it in his pocket, buried and hidden away, and waits for his pounding heart to calm down and for that something deep in his bones and in his heart, that something that wants more (wants his friends to stay with him, wants them to hold his hand, to hold him), to fade.

They make camp one night, higher up in the mountains. It's not their first makeshift camp and certainly not the last. It's like every other night, except maybe the moon is a little brighter and their campfire crackles a little more merrily.

It's like every other night, except Tao feels like how he hasn't felt in a long time, hasn't since he learned how to be busy and silence these feelings, like something is missing, like he's waiting for something that won't ever come back.

They found Zia's village empty, and so they stick together, the three of them, because there's no one else.

Zia snuggles up to Esteban's side by the fire and tells a tale of the stars, the constellations and what her people say about them and Esteban listens. His stars of the Old World can't be seen from here, so he just listens.

Zia talks about the star that she followed to lead them to her village and she shows Esteban by gently guiding his hand to point at the star.

Esteban's smile lights up and he leans closer to Zia and Tao gulps, something clutching at his heart. He isn't sure what.

He only knows that his two friends, they dance and hold hands and embrace. Tao doesn't understand. He doesn't understand how easy it is for them, how Esteban doesn't even flinch when Zia holds onto him when she's scared, how Zia reaches out so often and so freely for Esteban's hand.

They sit close to each other but Tao feels miles away from them.

His skin is burning, crawling, aching for something. Tao feels cold by fire and he wants to go home, to his island.

"Did your people also have constellations, Tao?" Zia asks, interrupting his thoughts.

They did, you know, and Tao knows them all like the back of his hand, he read his book of Muan astronomy more times than he can count, and even before, he asked his father to tell the stories of the stars at bedtime.

"Yes, Tao, can you show them?" Esteban adds and their voices are genuine and curious and something in Tao snaps, like a bow that's been overstrung for too long.

"I'll show them when I want to, it's none of your business!" He yells, his voice sharp and boiling with anger, and he stood up at some point and he doesn't even know why but suddenly he's so angry and can't they leave him alone, can't they see that he just wants to go home?

"Tao?"

"Leave me alone!!!"

"Tao, wait!"

"Tao!"

He storms off, his name echoing in his ears, and he's cold and his skin is on fire and he's angry and he wants something he can't have back.

A part of him wishes his friends followed him. For another part, it's the last thing he wants. Tao sits down on a rock with a view to the west, maybe because the night is clear and the moon is bright and he thinks if he was closer to the coast, he could even see the ocean.

Kokapetl lands next to him and gently pokes the boy's thigh with his beak. Tao strokes his feathers absently, then pulls his hand back, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Why am I not like them, Kokapetl? Why is it so hard for me?" he asks. _What is wrong with me?_ He's not exactly expecting an answer, because maybe there isn't an answer at all. But spoken aloud these words are so heavy that tears fill Tao's eyes and they spill and they run and he can't stop them.

"Tao?"

His friends. They followed him.

Tao wipes the tears off his cheeks hastily and hopes they didn't see it.

But they did.

Zia settles down next to him slowly, carefully, her thigh close to his, but not touching. She's quiet, maybe because she doesn't know what to say or she wants to give Tao a chance to say something first.

"Did we do something wrong?" Esteban asks, maybe because he can't hold it any longer. "If we did, we're sorry, but tell us-"

"You didn't," Tao interrupts him. He can't just tell them, how could he? "Leave me alone."

"Then what is it?" Esteban sounds defeated and kind of sad. He drops down by Tao's other side, not at all looking like someone who's about to do as he was asked and leave him alone. He sure is a stubborn one.

"It's nothing," Tao shakes his head. "Leave me-"

"It's not nothing, Tao." Zia's voice is gentle. Calm. It reminds him of the soft winds that run through fields, oceans of green hidden here in the highlands. She's stubborn too. "Tell us please, we can't fix it if you don't try to explain it."

The logical part of Tao knows that this isn't something that can be fixed. And yet, despite himself, he starts explaining.

"My father... he died years ago and I've been alone since. And now that I'm not, it's-it's..."

It's harder, he wants to say. He isn't sure it's true, though.

It's louder, definitely.

It was never silent on his island, of course, there was always the wind and the waves and the animals and there was Tao, cutting trees and building houses to survive. Making noise to survive. But now there's so much noise, so many more animals and people, and there's Esteban and Zia and their voices and they fill Tao's life with noise, even now when they aren't talking, just listening.

He clings to that noise, the sound of their breathing like he clings to the memory of his father reading and his mother singing, like he wants to hold onto Esteban and Zia but doesn't have the courage to reach out.

"Now it's different," he says finally.

"It can't be easy getting used to all this," Zia nods in understanding.

"Being with you guys, it... it reminds me of the time when my family was still around. And I tried not to think about it b-but..." His voice thickens and something in Tao threatens to break and spill if he goes on. "But... but I m-miss them."

He's crying but he can't bring himself to even try to hide his tears any longer.

"Tao..." Esteban whispers in shock and reaches out instantly. Then he stops his hand and hovers it next to Tao's shoulder hesitantly for a second before he pulls it back.

It's too much.

Guilt washes over Tao like the tide and he feels like he's drowning in it.

"Tao," crooks Kokapetl supportively and hops in his lap. "Tao, Tao, Tao."

But Tao is drowning and he doesn't listen. His shoulders shake with sobs and he knows he hasn't cried since he left his island, he hasn't, because that's not what he wanted to show to the world, the last descendant of Mu, sobbing like a child, because he is alone, alone, alone-

Except he is a child.

But he's not alone.

He doesn't even think about what he's doing until his arms are wrapped around Zia awkwardly, his face buried in the crook of her neck and then Zia's hands are in his hair and Esteban's is on his shoulder, firm and heavy and warm and keeping him steady.

His tears soak through Zia's dress but the girl doesn't pull away. She lets Tao hold on to her like she's his lifeline and she runs his fingers through his hair. Esteban throws aside all his hesitation and he's rubbing circles into his back, in a gentle, steady rhythm, and his hand is _so warm_. And they talk, soft whispers of Zia's family and Esteban's Father Rodriguez and of loss and grief and loneliness. And promises, spoken and unspoken ones. _Whatever is wrong, it doesn't have to be_. The fire under his skin fades into the gentle glow of warm embers and the tears dry on his face. For now. It's only for now. But Tao knows he's not alone.

Not anymore.

_We'll always be here_ and _we'll take it slowly_ and _you'll never have to be alone again_.

_I promise, Tao. We promise._

**Author's Note:**

> big shoutout to my friend @azorell on tumblr for making me obsessed with this series!!!!
> 
> -
> 
> come find me on tumblr @returnofahsoka  
> (but please don't tell me any spoilers, i'm still only watching season 3 lol)


End file.
